Speak my mind

From now on I declare that i stand alone and will speak my mind whether it be towards anyone beside me or my own conscience. Live strong.

Foolishness

You're a fool if you fall for an industries persuasion of cigarrettes and all it's harmful chemicals that poison your God given body.

History

The world today is not what it was yesterday. The world we live in today, is not what they lived in yesterday. I'm all for history.

Muhammad Ali

Muhammad Ali is one of the most influential humans that have EVER lived. He is and has always been a symbol of hope and strength. I'm two chapters away from finishing his biography and words can't describe how much I have enjoyed getting to know him and his life and his beliefs and his humor, and his wisdom, his passion and his love. I have learned so much from him and I will always remember his knowledge and wisdom. To meet and look into this mans eyes would feel surreal. It would be the greatest honor of my life!!!

Pursuit of Happiness

Okay, so the National Guard is now my last option. I've never been good with following orders 24/7. I enjoy my freedom. I just started my new job at Best Buy today and it went very well! I made several new friends that are very helpful to me. I have a second interview at Old Navy this coming Friday as well. I'll switch jobs if Old Navy offers me one with more hours. And then I'm going to apply for financial aid at CSN. I feel like I'm at a time in my life when I am focused and goal orientated so hopefully things fall into place. I'm not yet in my prime but I feel it coming to me! I'm stronger now. I believe that I can do anything I want if I work hard for it. I haven't had a drop of alcohol or inhaled cigarettes in 4 months. I didn't even go out Halloween night. I'll celebrate with new friends and musical road trips :) Maybe even a trip to Tokyo next year if circumstances are right. 2010 will be my year!! I'm proud of myself so far, but there is still much work to be done. NOTHING CAN PHASE ME.

National Guard

Working an average of 20 hours a week brings in an insufficient salary and I don't even feel like writing about how many resume's I've attempted to turn in, or how many interviews I have had. So I decided that I'm going to join the National Guard. The military contract will include a four year $10,000 sign up bonus, which will go towards helping my mom pay the rent and bills. I'll fix the issue with my car and get my license back from the dmv. I'll request to leave the day following my moms birthday. Boot camp will be two months long. Then I'll come back and finally attend CSN. I'll be required to spend one weekend out of each month in Henderson for MOS training. They'll continue to pay me several hundred dollars a month, which will help. I'll try to get a job where I'll be very comfortable working at and will pay me enough money to pay my own way through school and bills. I'm gonna stay busy with my dreams of work, school, running, muay thai fighting, and the occasional social nights. Living this necessary lifestyle will make me truly happy :) This is my game plan and I'm gonna put my heart into it.

Goodbyes

I often feel like disappearing. Like hitting the road without giving anybody a notice. Not even a letter. I think I'd enjoy the open road with music and food!

Horoscope July 01, 2009

You feel free to concentrate on the things that are most important to you now. Getting what you really want and moving toward achieving the things which are important to you may involve surrendering something or eliminating something from your life at this time: perhaps an attitude, a situation, or an attachment that has been impeding you is now released.

This May Explain It

Horoscope - June 18, 2009

Being obsessive about relationships is what scares people away. Either you yourself, or someone you're involved with, is becoming particularly demanding or probing. Sometimes it's best to step away and not entangle yourself in these sorts of mental dilemmas. Sure, relationships should be serious but they should also be fun and relaxed and based on trust.

Confession About Myself

I'll tell you the truth. I, myself don't even know who I am. Shouldn't you know who you are? For the past 21 years, I've been repeatedly guessing. I never really thought twice about my father leaving our family. I wasn't overly-​dramatic about it like people in movies are, although it has always felt like there's been a void in my life. How come? Is there an empty gap in the person I've grown up to be? Is that why random thoughts have always been momentarily rushing in and out the circuits of my brain? I like to think, that you are never taught what to believe in if you are wise. Wise individuals believe in themselves. And that is a foundation you build in accordance to becoming elite. Self improvement is a significant part of life and it's important to be independent, otherwise, you'll self-​deteriorate as you depend on others to fulfill your need of things, which they'll most likely fail to do so and will leave you gutless. Life is definitely a risk and you need to be strong and decisive to get through it safely and die happily and satisfied in the end. I know in my heart I will grow to feel successful and accomplished. I'll travel the seven continents and meet the beautiful people on them. I'll eat foreign foods, swim in filthy waters, understand culture, and document thousands of photos with stories behind them. Maybe I'll even write an autobiography! But for now, I'll focus on strengthening my mind and body, setting goals and ambitions, working diligently, educating myself, and most importantly...figuring out who the hell I am!

It's Official

Love is intimidating. I am afraid of it now.

Note To Self

"Just keep running, Alex. You aren't the type of person that slows down or stops for anything or anyone."

Runner's High

"A widely publicized effect of endorphin production is the so-called "runner's high", which is said to occur when strenuous exercise takes a person over a threshold that activates endorphin production. Endorphins are released during long, continuous workouts, when the level of intensity is between moderate and high, and breathing is difficult. This also corresponds with the time that muscles use up their stored glycogen. During a release of Endorphin the person may be exposed to bodily harm from strenuous bodily functions after going past their body's physical limit. They may be able to keep running despite pain, and thus possibly come to bodily harm from endorphin release. Workouts that are most likely to produce endorphins to the extent of damage at the body's physical limit include, boxing, running, free running, swimming, cross-country skiing, long distance rowing, cycling, weight lifting, aerobics, a martial art such as muay thai, soccer, basketball, rugby, lacrosse, hockey, tennis, American football and other strenuous exercises."

Current Frustration

I had a moment today where I felt like yelling my heart out. Maybe even crying. I have so much dormant stress and aggression in me just waiting to erupt. Things haven't worked out for me in a length of time, that my hands often tremble just thinking about it. There is nobody to blame, of course, but should I blame myself? I'm a sad person pondering on about how sad my daily life is and how I end up alone with nobody to speak with during the day, followed by the night. I'm going jogging as soon as I am done with this blog...jog blog. Jogging is an extraordinary way to clear your mind and spirit. The clearance is like a detox for the soul, only temporary, which is why I must keep joggin! CONSISTENTLY. Weight lifting also helps. I had several different conversations with my mothers boyfriend tonight. It really seemed like he enjoyed chatting with me because he was actually smiling and laughing (He NEVER smiles and laughs). He is a down to earth dude. I think he is a fair match for my mom, but I don't think I will ever completely trust him. I don't think I will ever completely trust anybody. I wish riding solo didn't seem so difficult. I wish I wasn't such a cry baby. Stupidity is running through my head, and I wish I could run as hard and as fast as I could until I figured out all the answers to all the questions I have! Why do I feel insignificant and inadequate?? Why doesn't love last and why do people even try if it is likely it won't? Being sad sucks and you know you are sad when music makes you even sadder. Is sadder a word? I wouldn't be sad if I didn't want to be. I never want to get emotionally involved with anybody again. This is my second time ever stating that, but I mean it this time. I don't want someone of the opposite sex to make me happy anymore and I'm going to hold onto that belief with everything I have. Love is temporary and is not worth it after it expires. Life is strange and there's not much you can do about it but to believe in things that are true to you and no one else. I'm really hoping I get a call back from an employer. I'll be praying to God before bed from now on until he blesses me with one.

Saddest Day Of My LIfe

April 18th-June 7th

Yesterday, June 7th, was a Sunday and it was the saddest day of my life. I've never wanted a girl so much in my whole life. She left me alone and I've felt empty ever since she confessed those words to me. I'm not ready to let her go. I just can't let her go because she has my heart and love even though she may not realize it. She means the world to me and is the girl of my dreams. So I'm gonna try to hold on as hard as I can. I'm gonna try my best to keep her.

Parties

I haven't been to many parties the past couple weeks and I don't plan on going to any either. It has sadly become repetition for me. I've experimented with and experienced most of the drugs, lost count of how many times I have blacked out from drinking, danced all night til it hurt to stand, been apart of the coolest scenes and have met some of the COOLEST people and have had the BEST of times in this wonderful city hat I've grown to love. All accomplished before I even turned 21 this year! So I am looking forward to a long healthy break to spend on advancing myself mentally, physically, and financially. So holla if you wanna hit the gym with me or read a book or whateva ;]

New Ambition

I just realized this. It hit me pretty hard. I want to be an actor and be in movies! And i'm gonna try my best as soon as i can. Need a job!!! I'm gonna take job hunting up a couple notches!

Time Is Flying, But I Am Not

Time is flying, but I am not. I don't know what I'm doing wrong!! I just want the opportunity to work in order to begin achieving my goals. I may not exactly know what these goals are, but I know that I want to succeed and be an influential person to my sister and friends. I'd like to make my mother proud of her son. I realized that you need money to make money a long time ago. I'm tired of being so dismantled. And whining and complaining isn't helping! So I must keep it to a minimum. My girlfriend Ashley helps me stay sane. I can't get enough of this woman! I'm so fortunate that she is being this patient with me and my lack of occupation and money. I really hope we last forever, because I have honestly never liked a girl this much. It was great finally getting to hang out with her after such a long time of curiousity. I want us to grow alot closer to each other to the point where I really find out what love is. I'm sure that will take time, but I'm a patient person. She's my love bug for now. I love every single detail about her! Ashley, if you read this..."You are pretty inside and out :)". In other news, I've gained thirty pounds. I now weigh two-hundred...for the second time. Haven't paid for my gym membership in ages, so I've reserved to jogging laps around the neighborhood and swimming laps in the pool. I try to push it as I did before, but it is definitely alot more difficult after the habit of heavily drinking and smoking last summer, winter, and spring. It's gonna get really hot now that summer is here and I will once again become a black man. My skin is way too sensitive for this darn heat! I'm considering going to church again. I haven't had a chat with God in a min. I'm sure he will bless me with a job. Well that's what's been going through my head the past couple weeks. I should really stop ranting about my problems. Hope I didn't bore ya!

I feel like bitching

I feel like bitching and whining about my feelings, but i wouldn't want anybody to read about them and think of me as a whino ass bitch (not that I care). I should man up! I shouldn't give a care. I shouldn't care so MUCH! Thats it. But that would make me selfish? I've always been thoughtful and considerate. I wouldn't want those attributes to fade away. I've always been cautious about having flaws. People change though, don't they? I wish my dad had not been gone for 10 years. He could have helped me understand things clearer. A different perspective on things than mamas. Nevermind. He was a monster. Out of control. I bet I'm alot like him. Hmm -_- I'm lonely. I'd prefer to be busy doing things all day long to keep my mind off of it. I remember when I was conservative and enjoyed my solitude. I'm fat. I really am. I lost 25 pds running last year. I've gained those 25 pds back. Not gonna swim this summer. Not unless I pay my gym membership asap and hit it hardcore. Sometimes I think I am a crazy person. Always having things on my mind!! I have this constant tension going on and can never just relax. "what should I do next?" "I wonder what he/she is thinking" "they probably think I am so fat" "I don't give a fuck" This is obviously why I drink so much when I do. To get away from everything and everyone. To get away from myself! All the opinions and the bs. I'm not sure if that is a good way of handling my issue. I just need to occupy myself as much as possible. I thought about cigarettes today for at least a half hour. I stopped buying them on my birthday and have definitely cut down. Never really thought about how bad they were until I found that walking up some stairs was so exhausting. These are a fraction of the stupid little things that go through my head all the time. Pay no attention to this!! It's all non-sense. I am so weird today. Didn't sleep much, that's why. I'm gonna shower and watch, "Never Back Down" :) text meh Fuck you all and what you think. Except for the small percentage of people that mean no harm or judgements!! They are always cool ;) I can't believe I just said all this crap. I'm talkin to much. shit bye!

Best Days

Slideshow I made of pictures from 05'-06'.

Drug Trafficing

Why do they traffic drugs into this country? It's important to realize that Mexico is a country of poverty in many different regions and Hispanics have to put food on the table and clothing behind children's backs, not to mention the struggle of paying bills. If you think America's economic situation and recession are bad...Mexico's are 10 times worse, but you wouldn't know that because you've never been there. So stop blaming Hispanics/​​​Latino'​​​s for what you consider a crime and start blaming the individuals who actually buy the drugs for their own addictive habits and distribution. There would be a solution to this problem if the drugs weren't being boughten. There would be no supply without demand. CNN should stop acting like we're the victims. The only thing I will disagree with is the Mexican Drug Cartel killing innocent people and kidnapping their children for their own financial benefits.

I'm So Unhealthy

From the way that I eat to how often I drink and smoke. I have a feeling there's something wrong with me. I'm in need of seeing a couple doctors, but for now I'll eat healthier and drink excessive amounts of water. I'll try to stop smoking cigarettes as much as well. My interiors feel toxic. I remember when I would feel so clean, fit, and focused by going to the gym five days a week. These days I feel incapable of concentration. I'm weak and unstable. I just can't wait to begin gym sessions again. An income is the necessity which I've been trying to attain so much. Without it I can do so little.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Possible Job Opportunity

After months of struggling at attempts of getting a job, only to have unsuccessful interviews, the latest occurrence is my friend Elliot's' mother trying to help me out. I was surprised when Elliot told me his mother Liz worked at the Human Resources Department for a corporation that manages two casinos. I applied online the minute she told me to, and the following day she emailed me with instructions on editing my application, which I did. She assured me she would make sure it got to Management for consideration, unlike the dozens or hundreds of applicants who are so easily disregarded. She let me know that it would approximately take two weeks for the employer to call me for an interview. I'm very thankful for her assistance. I'm excited, but I don't want my hopes up too high until the fat lady sings. Wish me luck!!!

Quote Of The Day

I'm aware that smoking weed puts you under the influence so it can be dangerous, and I understand that is why it's illegal, but I found this quote to be interesting and true in a way.

“I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here.If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?” - Willie Nelson.

(I don't smoke by the way.....anymore.)

My Playlist

I'm An Owl

I'm an owl; An Observer. I'm at my prime at night, and one day I'll begin a journey to see the world and its many faces. My independence is a critical moral. Association with those who lack respect are quickly disregarded, and anyone who can reserve their harsh judgments are carefully considered. Strength from the heart is admired. Constantly trying to sense what people are thinking and feeling. Dare yourself to imagine, dare yourself to dance, dare yourself to feel alive. Express yourself and live freely because life is shorter than you're aware of and there's no time for hiding.

DEFINITION OF THE DAY

banana republic

any of the small countries in the tropics, esp. in the Western Hemisphere, whose economies are largely dependent on fruit exports, tourism, and foreign investors.

n.   A small country that is economically dependent on a single export commodity, such as bananas, and is typically governed by a dictator or the armed forces. 

a small country (especially in Central America) that is politically unstable and whose economy is dominated by foreign companies and depends on one export (such as bananas)

Origin: 
1930–35

To Do List 2009

I'm going to take photos again.
I'm going to go back to the gym.
I'm going to train Muay Thai fighting.
I'm going to read more often.
I'm going to go to school full-time.
I'm going to eat healthier.
I'm going to stop smoking cigarettes.
I'm going to constantly learn new things.
I'm going to travel and experience the world.
I'm going to express how I feel to everyone.
I'm going to be modestly successful.
I'm going to be confident.
I'm going to save my money.
I'm going to attend at least one Coldplay concert.
I'm going to feel the breeze and enjoy it.
I'm going to paint my bike.
I'm going to pray more often.
I'm going to be fearless.
I'm going to fall asleep early.
I'm going to start drinking wine.
I'm going to associate myself with the right people.
I'm going to be more independent.
I'm going to be more positive minded.
I'm going to take care of my mother.
I'm going to advise my younger sister.
I'm going to prove myself to those who doubt me.
I'm going to have another car, and maintain it.
I'm going to avoid my previous mistake of driving drunk.
I'm going to advance my social skills.
I'm going to dress presentable.
I'm going to pay attention.
I'm going to respect those who respect me.
I'm going to be extremely busy.
I'm going to be ready for anything.
I'm going to visit family in Mexico.
I'm going to give, to people who need.
I'm going to learn to play the guitar and piano.
I'm going to meet an ideal woman.
I'm going to earn a degree.
I'm going to live comfortably.
I'm going to keep writing blogs.
I'm going to apply what I've learned, to those who haven't.
I'm going to be energetic.

I'm going to stop cursing. 
I'm going to cook my own foods.
I'm going to make it.
I'm going to smile, and mean it.
I'm going to be happy.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

Arguement

These are text messages that my teenage sister and I were sending back and forth after she got upset about the fact that she had to come home after watching a movie with her friend. She wanted to spend the night, but simply wasn't allowed.



(me)
You should be at home spending time with mom since it's her day off and she is fighting with Loui.You SHOULD be here comforting her! She's your MOM!

(sister)
Okay, yesterday night, she said that she was sick of all of us and all this stuff. She always does that. How do you think it makes me feel.

(me)
She says that because Loui has been stressing her out. How could she hate her daughter that gets good grades and works? You really believed that she hates us? After everything that has happened in our lives? You're pathetic. You need to stop thinking like a little girl and grow up some more.

(sister)
Well she says it all the time and you always make me feel terrible too. I always feel guilty and terrible cause of you guys. but it's cool.

(me)
You don't think that I'm stressed out too?? Listen to what you're saying! I promise you that one day you will realize how much of a child you were. Stop blaming things on people and start dealing with whatever is going on the best way possible and quit crying and complaining .

(sister)
Yeah i know everything that has happened and i just want everything to be normal and not have to worry all the time.

(me)
This is why age does matter, because kids like you aren't ready for the real world, BUT YOU THINK YOU ARE!! You're still so young. I hope you learn soon Sandy. Come home tonight and deal with these little problems that you consider the end of the world.

Am i wrong here? Because if I'm not, then give me an applause :P

Asobi Seksu

This is a music video by a group called Asobi Seksu, which means, "playful sex" in Japanese. The song is called, "Thursday" and it's really good so I hope you can dig it.

"Thursday" remix by The Twelves

My Mother

My mother never ever gave up on my sister and I. We were, and still are the most precious achievement that she has. We are the air she breathes. She has always sweat blood and sacrificed anything and everything in order for my sister and I to understand what is right or wrong. My mothers heart is larger than life, and so is mine. I've noticed a dormant source of energy and strength that can overcome any possible obstacle that my mind, body, and soul may face. My mom has implemented the concepts of pain, love, passion, work, respect, responsibility, sacrifice, and patience in me. I believe I'm completely prepared in time of a sudden crisis.

My mother has aged now, and I've been noticing it. Her working labor is beginning to be an everyday struggle. My sister is still young and doesn't seem to understand what is going on, so I'm going to work and study as hard as I can every single day. I'll never whine about how tiring or hard everyday will be either. I'm looking forward to being so busy; that I won't have time for friends or lunch. I'm going to make sure my mom will live a retired life. I'm going to make sure she travels to places she hasn't seen. I'm going to make sure that all her love towards my sister and I pays off. My moms is a rare symbol. And I love her so much that I can't even comprehend it sometimes.

First Day Volunteering Results

Today was the first day of volunteering at the library down the street. I didn't think they would expect me as they did! I'm pretty sure I made a positive impression on everyone there. I showed up with clean cut hair, a shaved face, dress shirt, tie and pants. There was plenty of things to do, but it didn't take me long at all to get the hang of things. I basically restocked hundreds of books, dvds, cds in alphabetical order, shredded papers, etc. Rona, the manager, told me I work so fast that I would soon run out of things to do!! I even get my own name tag around my neck which is held by a shoe lace haha. The only thing I felt awkwardly uncomfortable doing was restocking the anime and comic book sections! I can't believe kids actually read those cheesy fictional stories about humans with super powers man! Some of them don't even look like they make any sense. I'm going again tomorrow morning, but I'll be absent for four days after tomorrow because I'm going to Hollywood, California to visit a friend and hit up an infamous club that I admire.

Volunteer Work

So I've literally applied for dozens upon dozens of jobs now with only a handful of interviews within the past several months followed by no luck. Today I called most of the places I applied at to check my status and most of them are either fully staffed or have been put up on freeze from hiring new employees! It's terrible, I know. I've become frustrated, disappointed and almost depressed at times, because I get really tired of sitting around and washing the mountain of dishes that accumulate over such a short period of time. Today I reserved to do volunteer work at the library down the street from my home, so I can occupy myself for several hours while building a new reference on my resume (why didn't I think about this earlier? I don't know!). I begin training tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. At least I won't be sitting on my bum gaining anymore weight! I have new expectations like the strong possibility of going to college next semester. The only problem is that It's in January, and I don't have enough money to pay for classes and books, but I'm still strong-minded after all this time, so I refuse to give up on any ambitious ideas that would keep me busy and glad.

What You Do

(Dad)
God dammit Max! Be serious for once! What do you actually intend to do with your life?

(Max)
Why is it always about what will you do? What will you do? What will he do? Oh my God, what will he do? Do do do do do!!! Why isn't the issue here, who i am?

(Uncle Teddy)
Because, Maxwell, what you do defines who you are...

(Max)
No Uncle Teddy, WHO YOU ARE, DEFINES WHAT YOU DO!

Dono

This is a video that some friends and I filmed of our friend Dono streaking through a field of kids playing a baseball game in May of 07. One of the dads obviously got upset and chased Dono with intentions of killing him. Enjoy!

My New Old Bike

I was jogging to walmart this morning at around 5:40am to buy a pack of cigarettes. On my way back I found a speed bike laying on the side of a wall next to the street. I gladly took it home with a smile on my face (losers weepers). I looked it up on amazon with intentions of finding out whether it was a piece of crap and it turned out that it retails for $300!! I'm not completely sure if that's a price worthy enough for the bike to be of great quality but I like it. The paint has seen better days, the tires are out of air, the seat looks like its been eaten by a bum and the bike is pretty much overall a bit beat up. I'm optimistic about getting it fixed. Fresh paint, upgraded tires, brakes, handles and a comfortable seat for my bum. Maybe a vintage look is what I'll be aiming for. Definitely a head turner. Here's a photo I found of this particular bike along with a brief description. And a few examples of what it could possibly turn out to look like once I'm done with it. (Schwinn Prelude)

Amazon.com Product Description
The Schwinn Prelude Men's Road Bike offers Schwinn quality and performance at an affordable price. With comfortable and responsive 700c wheels, a lightweight and durable Schwinn men's aluminum road bike frame, and Schwinn road bend bar and stem, the Prelude handles well and is fun to ride. The Prelude has a seven-speed Shimano A050 Shifters for adjustability so you can maintain your speed as you ride up and down hill. The Promax dual-pivot caliper brakes offer sure stopping power. Aero 36-spoke alloy wheels maintain balance and alignment, and radial laced front toe clips and straps keep you comfortable and moving on the road.





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07' Photography

So I used to have three cameras. I used to LOVE taking photos. I used to breathe photography, BUT I also used be an idiot. Which led me to selling my cameras because of the debt that I charged myself with my $3000 credit card limit (ebay is addicting). I had boughten all kinds of equipment like lenses, flashes, battery grips, filters, expensive clothing, generously eating at expensive places, necessities, etc etc. I've learned my lesson and I'm DEFINITELY getting a new camera sometime in the near future so I can proceed with creativity.

Alone

I've purposely isolated myself from friends and acquaintances in order to place my attention on getting priorities corrected. And on top of that my small family and I have come to several confrontations and arguments the past couple weeks so I've distanced myself from them in order to mind my own and proceed with my ladder of ambitious checkpoints that I'm so behind on.I'm still convinced that any luck towards a fundamental fresh start is around the corner so I refuse to be distracted by anyone of irrelevance to what I'm aiming for. I'm still inclined to my personal belief that I need nobody for anything and that I can accomplish whatever I want done with my own fierce will.Even if someone opposess me in any way, they'll get my middle finger! I will succeed and I'll grow my very own smile from self victory.

(I've been reading alot)

Current Issue

I've been changing the past couple of weeks. I've come from organically being this thoughtful, caring, courageous person whom everyone could grow to like, to slowly somewhat bitterly converting into this very arrogant, selfish, and senselessly blind rebellion who's started making these worthless decisions when I'm aware that I can't afford mistakes along with their consequences. I'm a strong believer in equality, but this arrogance has turned my thinking and actions the other way around. People look at me differently now. They converse with me as if I'm going to hurt them. I never smile or laugh like i use to. At least I know I don't mean them. Every expression my face makes now is phony. It's a foreign feeling in my heart that isn't suppose to be there. It's hate for myself and my being dissatisfied with myself. Maybe plenty of frustration. I've never felt like this before. If you truly know me, then you can confidently state that I'm one of the MOST considerate, loving, and humorous people that you have ever met. I don't know what a solution to this dilemma could be. I hope it's just a phase because it seems to be psychologically serious in a way.I'm not completely helpless because I'm sure I can get through anything without anyones help. And if the world is against me, then bring it!

She Had Managed To Close My Eyes

Extremely educated, motivated, mature, mentally/physically strong, a woman, defensive, adorable. We lasted 87 days. Although it seemed as if time didn't matter. A revolutionary in her own mind. She was a yellow bird. A genuine fish. She was my favorite moment. My July 4th.

I felt as if I had no options. Like my options didn't matter whether I had one or not. She had begun to avoid me. I wrote her explaining how I felt only to recieve her goodbye. There was nothing I could do because she suddenly didn't seem to care. Towards the end I had lost my sense of independence. I had never felt so needy! I felt weak, dependent, and mentally pathetic. I'm surprised I hadn't thrown up. I was being ignored while I practically searched for the reason why she began to disregard me from her life. She turned completely rebellious to the point of isolation from someone who cared. Not good for your health at all. I wish she wouldn't have left without giving me reasoning. I was left with puzzling assumptions that were never attempted to correct. She lacked dignity by telling me she was too 'busy'. The only thing I could do was begin to forget the past and disappear. That's one thing I've always done with ease. I cared, I cared alot. But when your the only one caring with no one beside you, then there is no point. You will always be you and everyone has their own preferences which must be respected.

So I eventually gained back my independence after several weeks. You evidently learn something out of every relationship that you naturally implement into the next.

"When i said 'I can see me in your eyes',
you said 'I can see you in my bed',
that's not just friendship, that's romance too,
you like music we can dance to."

Fabulous Las Vegas

I've come to my own conclusion that Vegas is swarming with young adults. Most of which are extremely confused with their wants and what they experience everyday. That's what makes this city great. The music, groups, peculiar clothing, style, swagger and character. There's a particular diverse set of people with an obvious interest in character and a need for fearlessness to live life fairly quickly. Most are unaware of what is clearly going on because they would rather not know the truth, in order to become lost and be a part of a galactic black hole which has historically earned its recognizable title, "Sin City". Thinking and implying actions without hesitation or doubt is what keeps this city alive. There's no city like Las Vegas and it's not as big as you may think it is either. What's unfortunate is that there is a long history before us of gambling lives away, alcoholism, drug addiction, prison, divorce, etc. I myself have made the mistake of going to jail for drunk driving and am now awaiting trial which will almost inevitably lead to a conviction and charge of a DUI. These types of situations always occur here a lot more often and will inevitably happen if people aren't cautious. I've had plenty of sentimentally memorable times here, which is why I refuse to call this city and its residents worthless. I refuse to say, and ill quote, "This city is fucking gay man! I want to live in Cali...God my life sucks! everyone here is SO fucking lame! omg I am gonna die here! grr!". I'm not intending on living here much longer but I'm also not going to be immature or impatient about it either. It's not so bad if you're the least bit careful. So take care!

Realization

In the book that I've been reading, "The Autobiography Of Malcolm X", I've learned that no wise man is wise without having complete faith in his very own wisdom. That even the wisest of people make mistakes. I learned that an individuals good deeds over-weigh that same individuals bad deeds (examples are in the Bible and the Quran; Davids victory over Goliath, Noahs drinking habit and the building of an ark, Moses, etc, etc.) I feel myself also believing in Christ, but not Christianity. I'm looking forward for the idea of becoming an independent as far as religion goes. And Jesus was a Hebrew. All original Hebrews were of dark complexion, not white. But you already knew that, right? It feels so good to consider or open your eyes and your mind to anything but what is engraved into your brain by your parents and society from the time when you were an infant to this present day. So go ahead and open up!

Vacancy

For some odd reason, I've been visiting this uninhabited place in my mind where its completely vacant. There is no one around. No one to converse with. No one to look into. All that I do is stare into deep quiet space, witnessing rapid thoughts from the past, present, and future flashing by. You would think that this wouldn't be such a healthy scene, but to me its refreshing and new. A tall wall has mysteriously been placed infront of my face so that vulnerability to who I am isn't an issue. Im pretty comfortable being alone. Then, I also enjoy being around honest people. I guess im concluding that I refuse to take any sympathy or personal help from anyone and that I can live without being dependent on others.