This May Explain It

Horoscope - June 18, 2009

Being obsessive about relationships is what scares people away. Either you yourself, or someone you're involved with, is becoming particularly demanding or probing. Sometimes it's best to step away and not entangle yourself in these sorts of mental dilemmas. Sure, relationships should be serious but they should also be fun and relaxed and based on trust.

Confession About Myself

I'll tell you the truth. I, myself don't even know who I am. Shouldn't you know who you are? For the past 21 years, I've been repeatedly guessing. I never really thought twice about my father leaving our family. I wasn't overly-​dramatic about it like people in movies are, although it has always felt like there's been a void in my life. How come? Is there an empty gap in the person I've grown up to be? Is that why random thoughts have always been momentarily rushing in and out the circuits of my brain? I like to think, that you are never taught what to believe in if you are wise. Wise individuals believe in themselves. And that is a foundation you build in accordance to becoming elite. Self improvement is a significant part of life and it's important to be independent, otherwise, you'll self-​deteriorate as you depend on others to fulfill your need of things, which they'll most likely fail to do so and will leave you gutless. Life is definitely a risk and you need to be strong and decisive to get through it safely and die happily and satisfied in the end. I know in my heart I will grow to feel successful and accomplished. I'll travel the seven continents and meet the beautiful people on them. I'll eat foreign foods, swim in filthy waters, understand culture, and document thousands of photos with stories behind them. Maybe I'll even write an autobiography! But for now, I'll focus on strengthening my mind and body, setting goals and ambitions, working diligently, educating myself, and most importantly...figuring out who the hell I am!

It's Official

Love is intimidating. I am afraid of it now.

Note To Self

"Just keep running, Alex. You aren't the type of person that slows down or stops for anything or anyone."

Runner's High

"A widely publicized effect of endorphin production is the so-called "runner's high", which is said to occur when strenuous exercise takes a person over a threshold that activates endorphin production. Endorphins are released during long, continuous workouts, when the level of intensity is between moderate and high, and breathing is difficult. This also corresponds with the time that muscles use up their stored glycogen. During a release of Endorphin the person may be exposed to bodily harm from strenuous bodily functions after going past their body's physical limit. They may be able to keep running despite pain, and thus possibly come to bodily harm from endorphin release. Workouts that are most likely to produce endorphins to the extent of damage at the body's physical limit include, boxing, running, free running, swimming, cross-country skiing, long distance rowing, cycling, weight lifting, aerobics, a martial art such as muay thai, soccer, basketball, rugby, lacrosse, hockey, tennis, American football and other strenuous exercises."

Current Frustration

I had a moment today where I felt like yelling my heart out. Maybe even crying. I have so much dormant stress and aggression in me just waiting to erupt. Things haven't worked out for me in a length of time, that my hands often tremble just thinking about it. There is nobody to blame, of course, but should I blame myself? I'm a sad person pondering on about how sad my daily life is and how I end up alone with nobody to speak with during the day, followed by the night. I'm going jogging as soon as I am done with this blog...jog blog. Jogging is an extraordinary way to clear your mind and spirit. The clearance is like a detox for the soul, only temporary, which is why I must keep joggin! CONSISTENTLY. Weight lifting also helps. I had several different conversations with my mothers boyfriend tonight. It really seemed like he enjoyed chatting with me because he was actually smiling and laughing (He NEVER smiles and laughs). He is a down to earth dude. I think he is a fair match for my mom, but I don't think I will ever completely trust him. I don't think I will ever completely trust anybody. I wish riding solo didn't seem so difficult. I wish I wasn't such a cry baby. Stupidity is running through my head, and I wish I could run as hard and as fast as I could until I figured out all the answers to all the questions I have! Why do I feel insignificant and inadequate?? Why doesn't love last and why do people even try if it is likely it won't? Being sad sucks and you know you are sad when music makes you even sadder. Is sadder a word? I wouldn't be sad if I didn't want to be. I never want to get emotionally involved with anybody again. This is my second time ever stating that, but I mean it this time. I don't want someone of the opposite sex to make me happy anymore and I'm going to hold onto that belief with everything I have. Love is temporary and is not worth it after it expires. Life is strange and there's not much you can do about it but to believe in things that are true to you and no one else. I'm really hoping I get a call back from an employer. I'll be praying to God before bed from now on until he blesses me with one.

Saddest Day Of My LIfe

April 18th-June 7th

Yesterday, June 7th, was a Sunday and it was the saddest day of my life. I've never wanted a girl so much in my whole life. She left me alone and I've felt empty ever since she confessed those words to me. I'm not ready to let her go. I just can't let her go because she has my heart and love even though she may not realize it. She means the world to me and is the girl of my dreams. So I'm gonna try to hold on as hard as I can. I'm gonna try my best to keep her.

Parties

I haven't been to many parties the past couple weeks and I don't plan on going to any either. It has sadly become repetition for me. I've experimented with and experienced most of the drugs, lost count of how many times I have blacked out from drinking, danced all night til it hurt to stand, been apart of the coolest scenes and have met some of the COOLEST people and have had the BEST of times in this wonderful city hat I've grown to love. All accomplished before I even turned 21 this year! So I am looking forward to a long healthy break to spend on advancing myself mentally, physically, and financially. So holla if you wanna hit the gym with me or read a book or whateva ;]