Pursuit of Happiness

Okay, so the National Guard is now my last option. I've never been good with following orders 24/7. I enjoy my freedom. I just started my new job at Best Buy today and it went very well! I made several new friends that are very helpful to me. I have a second interview at Old Navy this coming Friday as well. I'll switch jobs if Old Navy offers me one with more hours. And then I'm going to apply for financial aid at CSN. I feel like I'm at a time in my life when I am focused and goal orientated so hopefully things fall into place. I'm not yet in my prime but I feel it coming to me! I'm stronger now. I believe that I can do anything I want if I work hard for it. I haven't had a drop of alcohol or inhaled cigarettes in 4 months. I didn't even go out Halloween night. I'll celebrate with new friends and musical road trips :) Maybe even a trip to Tokyo next year if circumstances are right. 2010 will be my year!! I'm proud of myself so far, but there is still much work to be done. NOTHING CAN PHASE ME.

National Guard

Working an average of 20 hours a week brings in an insufficient salary and I don't even feel like writing about how many resume's I've attempted to turn in, or how many interviews I have had. So I decided that I'm going to join the National Guard. The military contract will include a four year $10,000 sign up bonus, which will go towards helping my mom pay the rent and bills. I'll fix the issue with my car and get my license back from the dmv. I'll request to leave the day following my moms birthday. Boot camp will be two months long. Then I'll come back and finally attend CSN. I'll be required to spend one weekend out of each month in Henderson for MOS training. They'll continue to pay me several hundred dollars a month, which will help. I'll try to get a job where I'll be very comfortable working at and will pay me enough money to pay my own way through school and bills. I'm gonna stay busy with my dreams of work, school, running, muay thai fighting, and the occasional social nights. Living this necessary lifestyle will make me truly happy :) This is my game plan and I'm gonna put my heart into it.

Goodbyes

I often feel like disappearing. Like hitting the road without giving anybody a notice. Not even a letter. I think I'd enjoy the open road with music and food!

Horoscope July 01, 2009

You feel free to concentrate on the things that are most important to you now. Getting what you really want and moving toward achieving the things which are important to you may involve surrendering something or eliminating something from your life at this time: perhaps an attitude, a situation, or an attachment that has been impeding you is now released.

This May Explain It

Horoscope - June 18, 2009

Being obsessive about relationships is what scares people away. Either you yourself, or someone you're involved with, is becoming particularly demanding or probing. Sometimes it's best to step away and not entangle yourself in these sorts of mental dilemmas. Sure, relationships should be serious but they should also be fun and relaxed and based on trust.

Confession About Myself

I'll tell you the truth. I, myself don't even know who I am. Shouldn't you know who you are? For the past 21 years, I've been repeatedly guessing. I never really thought twice about my father leaving our family. I wasn't overly-​dramatic about it like people in movies are, although it has always felt like there's been a void in my life. How come? Is there an empty gap in the person I've grown up to be? Is that why random thoughts have always been momentarily rushing in and out the circuits of my brain? I like to think, that you are never taught what to believe in if you are wise. Wise individuals believe in themselves. And that is a foundation you build in accordance to becoming elite. Self improvement is a significant part of life and it's important to be independent, otherwise, you'll self-​deteriorate as you depend on others to fulfill your need of things, which they'll most likely fail to do so and will leave you gutless. Life is definitely a risk and you need to be strong and decisive to get through it safely and die happily and satisfied in the end. I know in my heart I will grow to feel successful and accomplished. I'll travel the seven continents and meet the beautiful people on them. I'll eat foreign foods, swim in filthy waters, understand culture, and document thousands of photos with stories behind them. Maybe I'll even write an autobiography! But for now, I'll focus on strengthening my mind and body, setting goals and ambitions, working diligently, educating myself, and most importantly...figuring out who the hell I am!

It's Official

Love is intimidating. I am afraid of it now.

Note To Self

"Just keep running, Alex. You aren't the type of person that slows down or stops for anything or anyone."

Runner's High

"A widely publicized effect of endorphin production is the so-called "runner's high", which is said to occur when strenuous exercise takes a person over a threshold that activates endorphin production. Endorphins are released during long, continuous workouts, when the level of intensity is between moderate and high, and breathing is difficult. This also corresponds with the time that muscles use up their stored glycogen. During a release of Endorphin the person may be exposed to bodily harm from strenuous bodily functions after going past their body's physical limit. They may be able to keep running despite pain, and thus possibly come to bodily harm from endorphin release. Workouts that are most likely to produce endorphins to the extent of damage at the body's physical limit include, boxing, running, free running, swimming, cross-country skiing, long distance rowing, cycling, weight lifting, aerobics, a martial art such as muay thai, soccer, basketball, rugby, lacrosse, hockey, tennis, American football and other strenuous exercises."

Current Frustration

I had a moment today where I felt like yelling my heart out. Maybe even crying. I have so much dormant stress and aggression in me just waiting to erupt. Things haven't worked out for me in a length of time, that my hands often tremble just thinking about it. There is nobody to blame, of course, but should I blame myself? I'm a sad person pondering on about how sad my daily life is and how I end up alone with nobody to speak with during the day, followed by the night. I'm going jogging as soon as I am done with this blog...jog blog. Jogging is an extraordinary way to clear your mind and spirit. The clearance is like a detox for the soul, only temporary, which is why I must keep joggin! CONSISTENTLY. Weight lifting also helps. I had several different conversations with my mothers boyfriend tonight. It really seemed like he enjoyed chatting with me because he was actually smiling and laughing (He NEVER smiles and laughs). He is a down to earth dude. I think he is a fair match for my mom, but I don't think I will ever completely trust him. I don't think I will ever completely trust anybody. I wish riding solo didn't seem so difficult. I wish I wasn't such a cry baby. Stupidity is running through my head, and I wish I could run as hard and as fast as I could until I figured out all the answers to all the questions I have! Why do I feel insignificant and inadequate?? Why doesn't love last and why do people even try if it is likely it won't? Being sad sucks and you know you are sad when music makes you even sadder. Is sadder a word? I wouldn't be sad if I didn't want to be. I never want to get emotionally involved with anybody again. This is my second time ever stating that, but I mean it this time. I don't want someone of the opposite sex to make me happy anymore and I'm going to hold onto that belief with everything I have. Love is temporary and is not worth it after it expires. Life is strange and there's not much you can do about it but to believe in things that are true to you and no one else. I'm really hoping I get a call back from an employer. I'll be praying to God before bed from now on until he blesses me with one.

Saddest Day Of My LIfe

April 18th-June 7th

Yesterday, June 7th, was a Sunday and it was the saddest day of my life. I've never wanted a girl so much in my whole life. She left me alone and I've felt empty ever since she confessed those words to me. I'm not ready to let her go. I just can't let her go because she has my heart and love even though she may not realize it. She means the world to me and is the girl of my dreams. So I'm gonna try to hold on as hard as I can. I'm gonna try my best to keep her.

Parties

I haven't been to many parties the past couple weeks and I don't plan on going to any either. It has sadly become repetition for me. I've experimented with and experienced most of the drugs, lost count of how many times I have blacked out from drinking, danced all night til it hurt to stand, been apart of the coolest scenes and have met some of the COOLEST people and have had the BEST of times in this wonderful city hat I've grown to love. All accomplished before I even turned 21 this year! So I am looking forward to a long healthy break to spend on advancing myself mentally, physically, and financially. So holla if you wanna hit the gym with me or read a book or whateva ;]

New Ambition

I just realized this. It hit me pretty hard. I want to be an actor and be in movies! And i'm gonna try my best as soon as i can. Need a job!!! I'm gonna take job hunting up a couple notches!

Time Is Flying, But I Am Not

Time is flying, but I am not. I don't know what I'm doing wrong!! I just want the opportunity to work in order to begin achieving my goals. I may not exactly know what these goals are, but I know that I want to succeed and be an influential person to my sister and friends. I'd like to make my mother proud of her son. I realized that you need money to make money a long time ago. I'm tired of being so dismantled. And whining and complaining isn't helping! So I must keep it to a minimum. My girlfriend Ashley helps me stay sane. I can't get enough of this woman! I'm so fortunate that she is being this patient with me and my lack of occupation and money. I really hope we last forever, because I have honestly never liked a girl this much. It was great finally getting to hang out with her after such a long time of curiousity. I want us to grow alot closer to each other to the point where I really find out what love is. I'm sure that will take time, but I'm a patient person. She's my love bug for now. I love every single detail about her! Ashley, if you read this..."You are pretty inside and out :)". In other news, I've gained thirty pounds. I now weigh two-hundred...for the second time. Haven't paid for my gym membership in ages, so I've reserved to jogging laps around the neighborhood and swimming laps in the pool. I try to push it as I did before, but it is definitely alot more difficult after the habit of heavily drinking and smoking last summer, winter, and spring. It's gonna get really hot now that summer is here and I will once again become a black man. My skin is way too sensitive for this darn heat! I'm considering going to church again. I haven't had a chat with God in a min. I'm sure he will bless me with a job. Well that's what's been going through my head the past couple weeks. I should really stop ranting about my problems. Hope I didn't bore ya!

I feel like bitching

I feel like bitching and whining about my feelings, but i wouldn't want anybody to read about them and think of me as a whino ass bitch (not that I care). I should man up! I shouldn't give a care. I shouldn't care so MUCH! Thats it. But that would make me selfish? I've always been thoughtful and considerate. I wouldn't want those attributes to fade away. I've always been cautious about having flaws. People change though, don't they? I wish my dad had not been gone for 10 years. He could have helped me understand things clearer. A different perspective on things than mamas. Nevermind. He was a monster. Out of control. I bet I'm alot like him. Hmm -_- I'm lonely. I'd prefer to be busy doing things all day long to keep my mind off of it. I remember when I was conservative and enjoyed my solitude. I'm fat. I really am. I lost 25 pds running last year. I've gained those 25 pds back. Not gonna swim this summer. Not unless I pay my gym membership asap and hit it hardcore. Sometimes I think I am a crazy person. Always having things on my mind!! I have this constant tension going on and can never just relax. "what should I do next?" "I wonder what he/she is thinking" "they probably think I am so fat" "I don't give a fuck" This is obviously why I drink so much when I do. To get away from everything and everyone. To get away from myself! All the opinions and the bs. I'm not sure if that is a good way of handling my issue. I just need to occupy myself as much as possible. I thought about cigarettes today for at least a half hour. I stopped buying them on my birthday and have definitely cut down. Never really thought about how bad they were until I found that walking up some stairs was so exhausting. These are a fraction of the stupid little things that go through my head all the time. Pay no attention to this!! It's all non-sense. I am so weird today. Didn't sleep much, that's why. I'm gonna shower and watch, "Never Back Down" :) text meh Fuck you all and what you think. Except for the small percentage of people that mean no harm or judgements!! They are always cool ;) I can't believe I just said all this crap. I'm talkin to much. shit bye!

Best Days

Slideshow I made of pictures from 05'-06'.

Drug Trafficing

Why do they traffic drugs into this country? It's important to realize that Mexico is a country of poverty in many different regions and Hispanics have to put food on the table and clothing behind children's backs, not to mention the struggle of paying bills. If you think America's economic situation and recession are bad...Mexico's are 10 times worse, but you wouldn't know that because you've never been there. So stop blaming Hispanics/​​​Latino'​​​s for what you consider a crime and start blaming the individuals who actually buy the drugs for their own addictive habits and distribution. There would be a solution to this problem if the drugs weren't being boughten. There would be no supply without demand. CNN should stop acting like we're the victims. The only thing I will disagree with is the Mexican Drug Cartel killing innocent people and kidnapping their children for their own financial benefits.

I'm So Unhealthy

From the way that I eat to how often I drink and smoke. I have a feeling there's something wrong with me. I'm in need of seeing a couple doctors, but for now I'll eat healthier and drink excessive amounts of water. I'll try to stop smoking cigarettes as much as well. My interiors feel toxic. I remember when I would feel so clean, fit, and focused by going to the gym five days a week. These days I feel incapable of concentration. I'm weak and unstable. I just can't wait to begin gym sessions again. An income is the necessity which I've been trying to attain so much. Without it I can do so little.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Possible Job Opportunity

After months of struggling at attempts of getting a job, only to have unsuccessful interviews, the latest occurrence is my friend Elliot's' mother trying to help me out. I was surprised when Elliot told me his mother Liz worked at the Human Resources Department for a corporation that manages two casinos. I applied online the minute she told me to, and the following day she emailed me with instructions on editing my application, which I did. She assured me she would make sure it got to Management for consideration, unlike the dozens or hundreds of applicants who are so easily disregarded. She let me know that it would approximately take two weeks for the employer to call me for an interview. I'm very thankful for her assistance. I'm excited, but I don't want my hopes up too high until the fat lady sings. Wish me luck!!!

Quote Of The Day

I'm aware that smoking weed puts you under the influence so it can be dangerous, and I understand that is why it's illegal, but I found this quote to be interesting and true in a way.

“I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here.If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong?” - Willie Nelson.

(I don't smoke by the way.....anymore.)

My Playlist