I feel like bitching

I feel like bitching and whining about my feelings, but i wouldn't want anybody to read about them and think of me as a whino ass bitch (not that I care). I should man up! I shouldn't give a care. I shouldn't care so MUCH! Thats it. But that would make me selfish? I've always been thoughtful and considerate. I wouldn't want those attributes to fade away. I've always been cautious about having flaws. People change though, don't they? I wish my dad had not been gone for 10 years. He could have helped me understand things clearer. A different perspective on things than mamas. Nevermind. He was a monster. Out of control. I bet I'm alot like him. Hmm -_- I'm lonely. I'd prefer to be busy doing things all day long to keep my mind off of it. I remember when I was conservative and enjoyed my solitude. I'm fat. I really am. I lost 25 pds running last year. I've gained those 25 pds back. Not gonna swim this summer. Not unless I pay my gym membership asap and hit it hardcore. Sometimes I think I am a crazy person. Always having things on my mind!! I have this constant tension going on and can never just relax. "what should I do next?" "I wonder what he/she is thinking" "they probably think I am so fat" "I don't give a fuck" This is obviously why I drink so much when I do. To get away from everything and everyone. To get away from myself! All the opinions and the bs. I'm not sure if that is a good way of handling my issue. I just need to occupy myself as much as possible. I thought about cigarettes today for at least a half hour. I stopped buying them on my birthday and have definitely cut down. Never really thought about how bad they were until I found that walking up some stairs was so exhausting. These are a fraction of the stupid little things that go through my head all the time. Pay no attention to this!! It's all non-sense. I am so weird today. Didn't sleep much, that's why. I'm gonna shower and watch, "Never Back Down" :) text meh Fuck you all and what you think. Except for the small percentage of people that mean no harm or judgements!! They are always cool ;) I can't believe I just said all this crap. I'm talkin to much. shit bye!

Best Days

Slideshow I made of pictures from 05'-06'.